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Name: Johnny "Problem" Johnny "Problem" was born on April 25, 1956. He grew up in L.A. under the worst white trash conditions imaginable, and wasted most of his adolescent life going to clubs and trying every street drug there was to offer. Mainly, however, his main poison was, and still is, speed. At age 19, Johnny the tweaker "Problem" was involved in a highly volatile confrontation during a punk show in Southern California and was nearly killed. Shortly thereafter, he was chosen by a scouting Brujah to become one of the cursed. Johnny, the mortal, was reported to have died during the riot that soon insued. To make a long story short, Johnny "Problem" managed to survive for twenty years in the Los Angeles Anarch Free States. During early 1996, Johnny finally had a revelation of sorts and decided all the pointless violence and bickering wasn't his style anymore. At least, not in the way that the anarchs did it. Johnny hitched a ride up to Pacific Grove, CA, and integrated himself into Camarilla society. After many months of trouble, suspicion, and problems not all caused by himself, Johnny left Pacific Grove after a hint that death would soon be coming for him. He had been a member of the Legion of Guys with Gravely Voices who Crouch Alot (LGGVCA) for less than a month and the prince, Marsellus, was paranoid. Johnny then moved up to the city of Coventry (a city within the confines of Humboldt County) and soon acquired the position of Brujah Primogen after he proved himself by foiling the plans of a witch hunters' group and saving the lives of two fellow vampires, including the Gangrel Primogen. He now resides in the city of Coventry with a leadership position he's not all too sure he wants to have. Johnny "Problem" chose his name from the lyrics of a punk song of the same name by a band called "D.I". His apparent age is 19, although he is actually over forty. He is of medium build, wears a black leather jacket with spikes, is most often seen with a backwards cap or a mohawk, and wears steel-toed, black Dr. Martens boots. He is currently bloodbound to Ringer (a former Pacific Grove character). Johnny was last seen heading back towards Monterey, CA. (Last updated 1997.) 2001 Update: Since this bio hasn't been updated in a FUCK long time, I'll be updating it myself. That's right. Me. Johnny Problem. The one and fucking only Johnny. And don't you fucking forget it. It's been, what, four fucking years? A lot's happened since then, and my memory is a bit clouded by all the shit I've done in the meantime. DK's stuck with me though, and Sid's still like an old friend, so I can't have changed all that much (yeah, fucking right!). Anyways, there was this time after that Coventry Primogen bullshit that I came back to Monterey and fucked around with Angus and Seed while some dumb bitch Ahrimane ruled the city (along with the help of the dudes who really ran the show, a fucking would-you-believe-it-in-the-flesh Kiasyd and a dick of a Mage who turned motherfuckers into lawn chairs and shit). What a fucking combo. This lasted for a while, while we had some interesting times. Sooner or later, we hooked up with Ned of the Legion of Ned O'Donnels (the one from our universe) and discovered the joys of diablerie. I think this is where things really began to change. Thorn wouldn't participate in the soul-sucking, but that's another story. After the trio of terror left the building, so to speak, Seed and I helped Angus to become the Prince (well, actually, the "Governor" of an Independent Domain). There were a lot of fuckwads around those days, including this Tremere motherfucker Karl Roman who was competing with Angus for the title role. Well, we fucked his shit (he came back to life later but that's also another fucking story). So Angus was Prince and I was Enforcer, and I forget what the fuck Seed was, but we were running Monterey for a while until this lick Tim DeSalvo and his psycho-buddy Johnny Demonic got some delusions of glory and decided they'd turn Monterey into a fucking Sabbat domain. Tim, who's actually a Legionnaire now, would tell this story so much better, so I'll skip over most of it by saying that he convinced me that the Sabbat was better in more ways than one. Seed joined up too, and Angus held out the longest. Fuckin' shit those were some tough times. Anyway, as a bunch of my closest friends know, I stuck with the Sabbie's but joined a little "organization" and eventually took off from Monterey. Shouldn't have fuckin' done that because Angus got killed while I was away. The bitch that did it is rotting in hell right now, but somehow I still don't feel like we got good revenge for his death. We'll always fucking remember you, brother. Solidarity, man. Fucking solidarity. Oh yeah, Tim became a Cardinal of the Sabbat and all that, and I think Johnny D ran off to become a bestial freak of nature (or did he get gacked? don't remember...). As for the others, read their fucking bios! This typing shit is tedious! So I've had a kid or two but they keep getting diab'd or they turn back into humans. Yep, that's right, one of my fucking kids turned back into a human, the ungrateful bitch! And then she had the nerve to bear Angus' human child who he later was forced to kill. FUCKING WOMEN. I SWEAR. And all Giovanni except maybe for Liam must DIE. And most Tremere, too, but, hey, everyone fucking knew that one already, right? Now I'm kickin' it below the border. Just finished up a year-long party. It's fucking great, unlife now. Well, I guess that's it. Power to the people, or some shit. Later. --JP
iTm's response to Johnny (on Angus, et. al): Johnny got it mostly right, but missed a couple of crucial details. I arrived in Monterey, California several years ago, and the city was in chaos. I loved it. Unfortunately for me, the ruling licks in town were C--, so I had to change that. One of my Sires, Johnny Demonic, and I, sought to bring the city under Sabbat influence, but we couldn't just say "Hello everyone, we're the Sabbat, and we're in charge now," you know? So we pretended to be Brujah. It worked. The Cainites in the city were so disorganized and chaotic, that they actually made me Primogen shortly after I arrived in town. Pathetic. Anyway, they all hated their Prince, some Ventrue bitch. I could see why. An eternity of living under her rules would have driven me madder that even the most eccentric Kook. This was the break I was looking for. I wanted to seize control of the city for the Sabbat, but I couldn't pull off a trick like becoming Prince first. I needed to show the citizens that I was the best candidate for the job, so I staged a coup. I convinced all of the other Primogen but 2 (the Ventrue - go figure, and the Tremere) that the Prince had to go. I even had a perfect candidate in mind to replace the existing ruler - Angus MacGregor. The way I saw it, he was well respected, so he would have the support of the Primogen council (5 of them anyway, including myself), power hungry, so he would actually take the job, and most importantly Gangrel, and therefore possessed of wanderlust. It was my plan that he would take the job and then just leave, creating the power vacuum I needed. It didn't work. The bastard never left! That was the grossest miscalculation I have ever made. So, I changed tactics. I revealed to Angus that I was Sabbat, all the while suspecting him of the same. Not only that, I reminded him that by this point, so was half his populace (Johnny D. and I had been busy). I also told him that, if he wanted to abvoid bloodshed, he should *share* power. Angus was stubborn, but he wasn't stupid - not in the least. He saw where resistance to my proposal would lead and agreed, with some conditions. We disbanded the puppet primogen council and started a triumverate of sorts, with Angus, Myself, Johnny Problem as the ruling "Senators" of the city. I've got to tell you, that seemed a bit strange to my Sabbat bretheren, who had taken to addressing me as Archbishopby this point, but I saw it as one more step towards my goal. I was able to continue to convert the populace of the city, and city government was no longer an obstacle. In fact, after setting up the Senate, the pace of Sabbat conversion doubled. That's the big picture. If you want all the details, I'd be delighted to share them with you sometime. I do most of my best storytelling in the garden, but it seems that my shovel is broken. could you bring one with you, perhaps?
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